Struggling to write.

For the first time in the life of this little blog, which has been a mixture of so many things I've come to realize that I have too much to write about and don't feel comfortable with it being public. I've been on a progressive learning kick ever since Helen (Mike's mom) passed away almost 5 years ago. This kick is not about to let up, and as I learn and formulate ideas, concepts, conclusions in my head I want to make sense of them by writing.

I've thought about how nice it would be to share with the blogosphere in hopes that anyone could benefit from my thoughts, but really...who in the world cares to know my individual inner feelings and struggles? Only one person, and He knows everything without having to read my blog.

I have to admit, I dance to a different beat, and walk a path that most don't. It's a path of self discovery, self purging, self sacrifice, learning about what truly interests me and what's beneficial for my family's future.   Buddhism believes that reality is illusion, and to a good degree so do I. As I learn to detach myself from what we think is reality, I've come to realize that most people who know me, may think I'm charting down a dangerous path of insanity. A church book I've been reading has made me realize the types and depths of illusion in the world as well as in the church culture of today.  Some of the things I think and feel and would like to write about in order to make more sense of them(because that's how I happen to receive a lot of revelation), could offend, and raise doubts, create unnecessary problems, tension etc.

With all that said I'm struggling. I'm not sure if I should keep writing here, or keep a journal instead. It's not my intention to write anything that could be viewed negatively by anyone. I only want inspiring, positive, motivational feelings to come out of my posts. I know that the reader is the one who controls their feelings and make their own conclusions. We all have our choice in choosing to be upset about something regardless of the intent of the other person, but even then I just don't want to cause any trouble because these are my thoughts. They are not written for anyone, they are written for me and my children only! So I can keep organizing and stacking them in the depths of my brain and soul for future use and relevance.

Do I get out of the blogosphere, do I make it private to those who know me, because I certainly know many eyes will be watching as they have since the beginning of internet monitoring.... What a struggle.