Moving...on.

I just realized I haven't even posted the blog about moving. Having a blog for the kids and my blog is hard. Not enough is happening to write on both. But at this point most people know we are leaving Santa Fe for good. It has been almost 4 years and Mike and I thought we would be here until we retired. How things changed when our kids became old enough for life outside mom's cocoon! All of a sudden I didn't want them gone at all from under me.

As fun as Santa Fe is for adults, this is not a child friendly place. Sure I'm overly sensitive to a lot of things and especially when it comes to my children, but I have had my feelings validated by others. Some have already moved away, others are still here, but an amazing opportunity presented itself and it's hard to pass up. We are taking these little cuties of ours and moving them to a more child friendly place, with lots of grass and lots of rain for rain puddles and rain rivers.

Last week I was in Redmond looking for a place to rent, and getting familiar with the clinic Mikey is purchasing. The week before I was driving Isaac to golf camp, and he said: "Mom, I'm so excited to move to Washington. I'm going to have a totally different yard to play in, I will have grass, and maybe even a sandbox!" So I was setup to find something with a playground or a sandbox or a huge lot that they could explore all day in. Oh the things we do for our children....

I'm lucky that one of my BFF's from college lives 15 minutes north of me. We've been staying with them since the first trip in December. On the way from Bonnie's house to the clinic this last week, I noticed two places on the Redmond-Woodinville Rd (Redwood Rd) that teach golf to kids, in fact has private lessons for the entire family. Wherever I look, there are so many things for kids to do. Luckily for the kids, it wasn't too hard finding a house with a playground, about half of the homes I looked at had playgrounds in the yard. It's such a  great thing to know I won't have to be taking them to parks to play all the time.

And talking about time, it looks like I'll be working with Mike in the beginning. So Isaac will be going to school. I'm so bummed about it, but at least there's one advantage: he'll be a scout sooner! He's been bugging me to get into scouts but he's not even 6 yet. Apparently if you're in school you can start Tiger Cubs, so he'll be doing that (I hope). Bella will be going to a wonderful Montessori that is 5 minutes from the clinic.

Oh man...as exciting as it is to be working again, I'm so hesitant to put Isaac in public school. I only hear raves about the schools in Redmond, but I'm so biased against the school system. I feel like I'm going to have to unteach on a daily basis. I actually wouldn't be so against it if he were older, but where as the curriculum and style of learning in elementary is so different than what I teach them, it'll be interesting to see how I can mix the 2 to ensure he gets the right language arts foundation. I have to keep an open mind, maybe it won't be as bad as I think. Looks like I'll be busier than I expected.

I have met a few Brazilian families and in their neighborhood there are about a dozen of them. Most working at Microsoft. All the kids are in Jiu-Jitsu with a Brazilian teacher and love it, I can't wait for Isaac and Bella to have Portuguese speaking friends!

Being happy in religion.

I'm not sure how or why but I've always had spiritual experiences. The first time I remember having them I was about 10 or 11. These experiences seemed to have a pattern. They always happened when I was questioning something.  When I was 15, I received my patriarchal blessing and the first thing that stood out to me was a part that said I "shouted for joy".  That was so telling of me, of the fact that personality is not so much genetic but come from your pure essence from God. Those 3 words, confirmed to me that I would never change, I was loud and boisterous from my beginning, and frankly I loved it!

So growing up, I had always questioned authority. It was no wonder I lived away from home since almost 13. First I ended up here in the US for 6 months, then I went back to  Brazil and moved in with my aunt and uncle for another 6 months, then I went back home for a while. I was tough to handle I guess. After one of the strongest, hardest, and most beautiful spiritual experiences of my life, at barely 15 I left my family one last time and moved permanently to the US. My mother felt like a failure, I had no relationship with my father really, so here I was...

When things weren't quite going right, some type of answer would come. Through a blessing, through scriptures, through someone, through pure conviction that I was a fighter.   Learning to fight though didn't come for a long time after.  But those experiences were always there, I remember the first time I saw that Footprints poem about Jesus holding the guy through the tough times, and I thought: "Oh that was made just for me."

Consequently my testimony of the  Gospel has been acquired through individual and private experiences that are not necessarily the norm. It sounds weird to say, but it's truly mind boggling to me, that members of our church who completely believe in current revelation, not just through prophets, seers and revelators, but our own individual right and privilege as well as capacity to receive, don't quite know or think of using that gift. When time comes for questioning for seeking answers to doubts, they simply look for other men to give them answers.

I should one of these days, make a conscious effort, of counting how many times a day I get a divinely inspired thought. Maybe I should do a week's project to see a pattern of daily guidance. Some are so minuscule, it's hard to tell if it's just me, but then something related to that thought happens and I realize it wasn't just "me." Then there are the big ones, the ones I call the "slap in the face experiences." Using my own jargon, I have to admit I really like being slapped. It makes my ego realize that I don't know the answer to everything, that I'm not as awesome as I think I am. That I am a mere human being trying to progress in life "just like everybody else."

Lately there have been a few experiences of varying degrees. One that seems to happen to most of us, is closely related to a hindsight-20/20 type. We are in the process of getting ready to move to another state to actually grow roots there. We thought we were growing roots here. But one day this week as I woke up and was thinking about our impending move and how exciting it is, I had almost like a flash back of the last 4 years in one second, how we've been preparing for this move without even knowing it. This has been somewhat of a sudden decision, even though the process has taken a couple of months. But we never expected to be moving, we've really enjoyed living here. But that flash back was real and is really hard to deny. It seems like since Mike and I have been married we've had quite a few of these, where WE both notice God's hand.

So you see, religion and church, to me are much more than what I read in books or hear from the pulpit. It's ethereal, ubiquitous, surreal at times even because spiritual experiences seems to good to be true. It's a daily commune that happens, many times it requires no canonized scripture, sometimes it does and it's amazing what I can learn when tuned into the right channel, sometimes it happens as I'm struggling to teach a universal truth to my children, sometimes it happens while I have my precious 5 minutes without kids in the shower, sometimes I just pick up the pen and start writing words of comfort and wisdom that appease my mind and heart about an issue I have. I'm not saying I don't need the establishment, I desperately need structure although in theory I don't like it.  But why should I question the establishment when it makes me happy, when it strengthens me? I strongly believe, we all have the right to question, and to receive answers to those questions, it's part of our own individual journey and progression. But as I read last week on a blog post, I agree with the author: my doubts, my theories, my struggles with whatever are better addressed in a setting like church. I think most people's are too. And I'm so grateful for the freedom I have to believe or not, and be happy while I live!

Struggling to write.

For the first time in the life of this little blog, which has been a mixture of so many things I've come to realize that I have too much to write about and don't feel comfortable with it being public. I've been on a progressive learning kick ever since Helen (Mike's mom) passed away almost 5 years ago. This kick is not about to let up, and as I learn and formulate ideas, concepts, conclusions in my head I want to make sense of them by writing.

I've thought about how nice it would be to share with the blogosphere in hopes that anyone could benefit from my thoughts, but really...who in the world cares to know my individual inner feelings and struggles? Only one person, and He knows everything without having to read my blog.

I have to admit, I dance to a different beat, and walk a path that most don't. It's a path of self discovery, self purging, self sacrifice, learning about what truly interests me and what's beneficial for my family's future.   Buddhism believes that reality is illusion, and to a good degree so do I. As I learn to detach myself from what we think is reality, I've come to realize that most people who know me, may think I'm charting down a dangerous path of insanity. A church book I've been reading has made me realize the types and depths of illusion in the world as well as in the church culture of today.  Some of the things I think and feel and would like to write about in order to make more sense of them(because that's how I happen to receive a lot of revelation), could offend, and raise doubts, create unnecessary problems, tension etc.

With all that said I'm struggling. I'm not sure if I should keep writing here, or keep a journal instead. It's not my intention to write anything that could be viewed negatively by anyone. I only want inspiring, positive, motivational feelings to come out of my posts. I know that the reader is the one who controls their feelings and make their own conclusions. We all have our choice in choosing to be upset about something regardless of the intent of the other person, but even then I just don't want to cause any trouble because these are my thoughts. They are not written for anyone, they are written for me and my children only! So I can keep organizing and stacking them in the depths of my brain and soul for future use and relevance.

Do I get out of the blogosphere, do I make it private to those who know me, because I certainly know many eyes will be watching as they have since the beginning of internet monitoring.... What a struggle.