I choose to be a soldier when the person I loved the most at a period of my life, chose to leave because I wasn't a soldier. I subconsciously chose to be a soldier when that person told me others felt I didn't have what it took to be a soldier. I had heard those words before out of the very mouth of the one I so longed to be like. It hurt every single time.
God blessed me with a few people who showed me through their actions and life stories, how to be a solider. Then God blessed me with someone who loved me unconditionally and believed I could be whomever I wanted. The person believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. A couple of years go by, and I become a mother. Once I saw my son, I became a soldier. It was completely natural, effortless. I would be his protector, I'm willing to give my life for him. The path was clear there was only one way to trek it and he would be in my arms, and I was going to do it.
Never mind the path is hard and full of curveballs. I struggled. It was brutally hard. Then just as it looked like there was hope for a reprieve, there came my little girl. Life got harder, way harder. There were days I just wished I could hold my babies and forget there was a world outside that I had to deal with. Internal turmoil sets in, family turmoil sets in. Is there a turn that can offer me some rest? Maybe. But those never seem to last too long, they are just enough for me to realize that all along I've been growing muscle, it's painful, but you have to keep going for a while longer.
Another wave of attacks come, I realize I am stronger maybe this time I will win. That path is still in front of me. Bombs have made deep grooves in the path, but it is as clear to see where it leads. I trek on. I finally start to realize what is happening to me. I'm fighting a war, I have become a soldier. How did this happen? When I look back, I realize that was my destiny and mission. The word "mission" takes on a whole new meaning, packed with double entendres. Another girl is given to me. I wonder how I'm going to teach them to be soldiers. Somehow during the good, bad and the ugly that comes with all the experiences, there are moments of clarity, stolen moments of reprieve, more strategy is learned, as well as patience and compassion. I hurt for the fallen ones, the ones who struggle with a death in their troop, or just a bullet scrape to the leg.
Attacks come from all sides, sometimes a soldier in my troop reacts adversely. I know it's part of the path, the trek sometimes makes ourselves think our allies are our enemies. I'm not sure how to help. I struggle I wonder if it's possible, if it's better to let that soldier learn its own lessons. Trying to change a person's psychological state is incredibly difficult. I'm a veteran who has too much at stake, my energy is reserved for sacrifices for my children, I want to help a struggling new person, but that person will most likely see my as a foe. So I give my left hand, hoping that if it's blown off, I can deal with the pain, but I still have my strong right hand to do most of the work. What will happen, we will see.
The work of a soldier is sacrifice. Despite the pain I can cause myself by choosing to help another who sees me as an enemy, the answer to this quick obstacle on our trek is engraved on my helmet. The words of a wise one: "There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire, and souls to save."
