I'm not sure how or why but I've always had spiritual experiences. The first time I remember having them I was about 10 or 11. These experiences seemed to have a pattern. They always happened when I was questioning something. When I was 15, I received my patriarchal blessing and the first thing that stood out to me was a part that said I "shouted for joy". That was so telling of me, of the fact that personality is not so much genetic but come from your pure essence from God. Those 3 words, confirmed to me that I would never change, I was loud and boisterous from my beginning, and frankly I loved it!
So growing up, I had always questioned authority. It was no wonder I lived away from home since almost 13. First I ended up here in the US for 6 months, then I went back to Brazil and moved in with my aunt and uncle for another 6 months, then I went back home for a while. I was tough to handle I guess. After one of the strongest, hardest, and most beautiful spiritual experiences of my life, at barely 15 I left my family one last time and moved permanently to the US. My mother felt like a failure, I had no relationship with my father really, so here I was...
When things weren't quite going right, some type of answer would come. Through a blessing, through scriptures, through someone, through pure conviction that I was a fighter. Learning to fight though didn't come for a long time after. But those experiences were always there, I remember the first time I saw that Footprints poem about Jesus holding the guy through the tough times, and I thought: "Oh that was made just for me."
Consequently my testimony of the Gospel has been acquired through individual and private experiences that are not necessarily the norm. It sounds weird to say, but it's truly mind boggling to me, that members of our church who completely believe in current revelation, not just through prophets, seers and revelators, but our own individual right and privilege as well as capacity to receive, don't quite know or think of using that gift. When time comes for questioning for seeking answers to doubts, they simply look for other men to give them answers.
I should one of these days, make a conscious effort, of counting how many times a day I get a divinely inspired thought. Maybe I should do a week's project to see a pattern of daily guidance. Some are so minuscule, it's hard to tell if it's just me, but then something related to that thought happens and I realize it wasn't just "me." Then there are the big ones, the ones I call the "slap in the face experiences." Using my own jargon, I have to admit I really like being slapped. It makes my ego realize that I don't know the answer to everything, that I'm not as awesome as I think I am. That I am a mere human being trying to progress in life "just like everybody else."
Lately there have been a few experiences of varying degrees. One that seems to happen to most of us, is closely related to a hindsight-20/20 type. We are in the process of getting ready to move to another state to actually grow roots there. We thought we were growing roots here. But one day this week as I woke up and was thinking about our impending move and how exciting it is, I had almost like a flash back of the last 4 years in one second, how we've been preparing for this move without even knowing it. This has been somewhat of a sudden decision, even though the process has taken a couple of months. But we never expected to be moving, we've really enjoyed living here. But that flash back was real and is really hard to deny. It seems like since Mike and I have been married we've had quite a few of these, where WE both notice God's hand.
So you see, religion and church, to me are much more than what I read in books or hear from the pulpit. It's ethereal, ubiquitous, surreal at times even because spiritual experiences seems to good to be true. It's a daily commune that happens, many times it requires no canonized scripture, sometimes it does and it's amazing what I can learn when tuned into the right channel, sometimes it happens as I'm struggling to teach a universal truth to my children, sometimes it happens while I have my precious 5 minutes without kids in the shower, sometimes I just pick up the pen and start writing words of comfort and wisdom that appease my mind and heart about an issue I have. I'm not saying I don't need the establishment, I desperately need structure although in theory I don't like it. But why should I question the establishment when it makes me happy, when it strengthens me? I strongly believe, we all have the right to question, and to receive answers to those questions, it's part of our own individual journey and progression. But as I read last week on a blog post, I agree with the author: my doubts, my theories, my struggles with whatever are better addressed in a setting like church. I think most people's are too. And I'm so grateful for the freedom I have to believe or not, and be happy while I live!
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