A soldier.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is such a common question to ask a child. I don't ever recall being asked that question. I certainly recall being a tween and wanting to follow in my dad's footsteps of studying architecture. My dad never finished architecture school, but he was a soldier. Partly because I never had a good relationship with my mother, partly because I never had a relationship with my dad, partly because of my own interests I choose paths that led me to where I am.

I choose to be a soldier when the person I loved the most at a period of my life, chose to leave because I wasn't a soldier. I subconsciously chose to be a soldier when that person told me others felt I didn't have what it took to be a soldier. I had heard those words before out of the very mouth of the one I so longed to be like. It hurt every single time.

God blessed me with a few people who showed me through their actions and life stories, how to be a solider. Then God blessed me with someone who loved me unconditionally and believed I could be whomever I wanted. The person believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. A couple of years go by, and I become a mother. Once I saw my son, I became a soldier. It was completely  natural, effortless. I would be his protector, I'm willing to give my life for him. The path was clear there was only one way to trek it and he would be in my arms, and I was going to do it. 

Never mind the path is hard and full of curveballs. I struggled. It was brutally hard. Then just as it looked like there was hope for a reprieve, there came my little girl. Life got harder, way harder. There were days I just wished I could hold my babies and forget there was a world outside that I had to deal with. Internal turmoil sets in, family turmoil sets in. Is there a turn that can offer me some rest? Maybe. But those never seem to last too long, they are just enough for me to realize that all along I've been growing muscle, it's painful, but you have to keep going for a while longer. 

Another wave of attacks come, I realize I am stronger maybe this time I will win. That path is still in front of me. Bombs have made deep grooves in the path, but it is as clear  to see where it leads. I trek on. I finally start to realize what is happening to me. I'm fighting a war, I have become a soldier. How did this happen? When I look back, I realize that was my destiny and mission. The word "mission" takes on a whole new meaning, packed with double entendres. Another girl is given to me. I wonder how I'm going to teach them to be soldiers. Somehow during the good, bad and the ugly that comes with all the experiences, there are moments of clarity, stolen moments of reprieve, more strategy is learned, as well as patience and compassion. I hurt for the fallen ones, the ones who struggle with a death in their troop, or just a bullet scrape to the leg.

Attacks come from all sides, sometimes a soldier in my troop reacts adversely. I know it's part of the path, the trek sometimes makes ourselves think our allies are our enemies. I'm not sure how to help. I struggle I wonder if it's possible, if it's better to let that soldier learn its own lessons. Trying to change a person's psychological state is incredibly difficult. I'm a veteran who has too much at stake, my energy is reserved for sacrifices for my children, I want to help a struggling new person, but that person will most likely see my as a foe. So I give my left hand, hoping that if it's blown off, I can deal with the pain, but I still have my strong right hand to do most of the work. What will happen, we will see. 

The work of a soldier is sacrifice. Despite the pain I can cause myself by choosing to help another who sees me as an enemy, the answer to this quick obstacle on our trek is engraved on my helmet. The words of a wise one: "There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire, and souls to save."

A little tag on a video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QYlDLChzig

Just Breathe.

The last few weeks have been filled with lots of anxiety, stress, ups and downs. This week is the culmination of it all. Today is meet and greet at the local public school elementary where Isaac is enrolled. I feel like I just sold my kid to the devil. I know I shouldn't make such a big deal out of this, but I can't help it. I have had so many impressions and inspiration about this child and how to best educate him, and now I feel like I'm just turning my back on the last 2 years and putting him in robot school.

My heart is heavy. I just don't know what to do at this point. I guess I can always pull him out, and homeschool him again. I wanted to read The Highly Sensitive Child before he went to school, but I only on the first chapter. I guess I'll be spending a few nights up crunching it, just in case my assumptions are correct.

I know there are plenty of kids who go through the public school system and do just fine. I know education wise he'll be just fine, if not bored with the cookie cutter subjects. I'm still planning on after schooling, so I know he's getting the education he needs to have. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I just be like any other mom, who celebrates going to school as a crucial rite of passage, and most importantly a break from children. Aside from playing for 30 minutes with new friends, I just don't see the good in this.

It's 9 am. I have to be at school at 11. I'm hoping I can be strong enough to not have a melt down while I'm there and most of all pretend that I'm excited for Isaac. After having to convince him that this will be good, now I have to convince myself. I have to do it, for him....

Womanly Power? Let me hear ya holla!!

Hi!

So we're settling in just fine, despite wanting the husband to be around to give me a break from these monsters I seem to have brought into this world. I am at this point wondering why I'm pregnant again with Watermelon.... But the beauty of it all, which sometimes the world doesn't seem to understand is that I along with a microscopic help from my love (no disrespect to his fatherhood), get to choose to create life inside me once again. Personally, the fact that God entrusted women to create life proves our divinely appointed importance and in many ways supremacy, but really this post is not about who's better, it's about giving credit to women where it's deserved.

Let me start venting....Today in sunday school we discussed the Stripling Warriors. Currently my all time favorite story of the Book of Mormon: It's like watching an action packed war thriller with innocent little kids who go through the hardest ritualistic process of self development and become immortalized heroes all due to their warrior mothers who have taught them to be the best! Can I just say, they should've picked me to teach that class?!  Our new ward is great, and there are many a scriptorian/expert historical analysts, and most women would have had a problem taking a complete feminist lesson and bringing it to life in front of so many expert men.  That's I they should've picked ME to teach the class. Maybe I'll enlist myself to talk in sacrament about this topic.

As the instructor starts, she mentions she wants to focus on the leaders of these amazing 2000 kids in the story. She then proceeds to group the "mothers" as parents. And of course, there was Heleman, their military leader.  First,  this story which is comprised of a few long chapters, needs to be covered in more than 45 minutes of Sunday School.  Second, we could easily spend 45 minutes talking about one of the various attributes of these mothers, and how that common attribute led their 2000 boys to become the Stripling Warriors.

When the instructor mentioned grouping the mothers as parents, my heart skipped a beat. Then came a comment from a brother that suggested that most of the men had died in fighting (makes historical sense if you read the story) so these kids were being raised by single mothers.  A totally valid point, and EVEN MORE reason to credit these warrior women! Someone else mentioned that some of the men were already away fighting which is also probably true, do you see my point? I guess my problem is this.  We live in a world where women don't get enough credit for what we do. These women despite being husbandless temporarily or permanently were raising beyond extraordinary boys.  These women deserved to have at least one chapter written just about them.  But instead we get little snippets of verses giving some long overdue credit to mothers and we choose to oversee and downplay them???

That's my problem. We don't get enough credit for what we do. We never have, and despite how much we seem to fight each other and the opposite sex we never will. Only in Heaven, really Heaven, will we get all the credit we so deserved here in this life. And if I don't get it there, sorry I won't stick around. It's already hard enough to belong to a religious body whose culture keeps perpetuating the downplay of our abilities, intelligence and capabilities because we are supposed to stay home and take care of our children.  ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!  Do you NOT know what that means?!!  And for you women reading this, let me tell YOU something: I don't know how you see yourself. If you choose to stay home, you better know why you're there and do your best damn job while at home.  If you are against women who work, judge them or whatever, we are all doing ourselves a HUGE disservice by picking sides.  If you are a career woman and have never spent a week raising a child, girl, let me tell you something: YOU got it EASY!

Bottom line is: We should all be on the same side, the women's side.  I bet the Amazons didn't deal with all the backbiting of career women vs stay at home mommies.  Somebody has to do this job! If you have chosen to stay home and do it, then NEVER again judge the women who have chosen to go out and earn a living.  If you are a career woman, thank the women who have chosen to concentrate their efforts in raising citizens who can one day make the world a better place for you. Like yours truly.

Ok, I feel better now.
It's time to start joining our own cause and fight back. Holler if you agree!

Why classical education

Once in a while I have friends ask me about homeschooling. This was a response I started writing to a friend and decided to post it as a blog so others can read and get answers: I hope in some way that my experience had a slight influence on your considerations. I have talked extensively with M'Liss and Tara about getting more people interested in homeschooling in the ward. I know some are considering a co-op but I don't know how long it'll take for them to get going, and it may be only for middle school. So my biggest reason why I chose the WTM curriculum is that it is a type of leadership education. Besides the Thomas Jefferson education, I don't know of other leadership Ed curricula out there. The WTM is very language based(helps the child build a super strong foundation in language by understanding how language is constructed from the get go), trains them in logical and critical thinking, and grooms them in persuasive and rethorical writing and public speaking. Moreover, it teaches the classics which helps one learn and study morals and principles, a rare find in books nowadays. The curriculum has endless lists of great books, it purposely is against your regular library book, which may attempt to write about a moral but its vague stories offer no thoughtfull and compelling anecdotes to real life. A book that really got me thinking about this was Joseph Campbell's The Power Of Myth. Another wonderful part of the curriculum is history. You can start your child in 1st grade or 2nd(most classical schools I've visited start them in the ancients in second grade). I was way too excited to start and am so glad I did. Isaac is now an Egyptologist/ archeologist if you can a 1st grader one! Once in a while I'll ask him about where he would want to go if he could travel anywhere in the world and he says Egypt, always! I think he has watched every documentary on Egypt that netflix has. As a family who believes in God and the creation, I just loved starting history as it should logically start: from the beginning. One of the best parts of homeschooling is that one can integrate all subjects, you can run a completely interdisciplinary curriculum with a whole child approach. We've talked about the preexistence, and how that came before the world, we discuss evolution freely, and I love speculating about it, I even once compared Sargon the first known dictator to Satan. "Coersion and threats take away freedom, and you know who was the first person to try that?".... I have to admit another pull towards a classical education for me personally was learning Latin. Obviously it is not a requirement, but for me it is of the utmost importance. Having a latin based romance language in my back pocket, has opened up doors to learning Spanish easily, carrying simple but frank conversations in Italian in 9 days, surviving France, and even having an advantage is English. Thank heavens for cognates! As I read or even watch spelling bee contests I'm often amazed at how much I know because of one romance language derived from Latin. It is very important to me that my kids learn Latin, mainly because of the languages influence by it. Also how easy would medical and/or legal a terms be to a person who knows Latin? That to me is a big advantage while studying, wouldn't you say? In any case, if you choose to keep your kids in school, there's still so much you can do with them. Since this year I will be working at the clinic, I will have to put Isaac in school. Unfortunately it's not possible to put him in a classical school this year, but I'm devising a plan and hope I can carry it out with the help of his teacher. I want to have a syllabus of what is being covered so I can do reinforcement activities at home, get more in depth, find other solutions and answers to what is being taught. With such an emphasis on standardized testing, and the fact his school receives a 10 makes me wonder if the teachers are concentrating on teaching only for national tests. So I'm still planning to do field trips and activities outside school as well as teaching the subjects they don't get in school yet like history, geography, and reinforcing grammar and language arts. The WTM curriculum is one you can use for "after schooling" too. We've spent a whole day making a mummy that came in a kit I bought when Borders went out of business (Our history curriculum has a recipe for mummifying a chicken, but I just couldn't do it), we also made hieroglyphs with cookie dough, you can see them in the kids blog. We like to read books and watch their movie versions, do science activities on vacations (especially on the beach), Usborne has archeology and science kits, and as more people are turning towards homeschooling more products are popping up. We've researched and celebrated Passover, talked about the Exodus before eating Seder, made drawings of the 10 plagues and glued them to popsicle sticks, and painted our door red Another great resource are the forums. Www.ldshomeschooling.com, welltrainedmind.com among others give you great ideas, for all kinds of things. Amazon.com has everything you can possibly want to buy too! The possibilities are truly endless when a mothers is willing to teach their children. That's all for now...

Moving...on.

I just realized I haven't even posted the blog about moving. Having a blog for the kids and my blog is hard. Not enough is happening to write on both. But at this point most people know we are leaving Santa Fe for good. It has been almost 4 years and Mike and I thought we would be here until we retired. How things changed when our kids became old enough for life outside mom's cocoon! All of a sudden I didn't want them gone at all from under me.

As fun as Santa Fe is for adults, this is not a child friendly place. Sure I'm overly sensitive to a lot of things and especially when it comes to my children, but I have had my feelings validated by others. Some have already moved away, others are still here, but an amazing opportunity presented itself and it's hard to pass up. We are taking these little cuties of ours and moving them to a more child friendly place, with lots of grass and lots of rain for rain puddles and rain rivers.

Last week I was in Redmond looking for a place to rent, and getting familiar with the clinic Mikey is purchasing. The week before I was driving Isaac to golf camp, and he said: "Mom, I'm so excited to move to Washington. I'm going to have a totally different yard to play in, I will have grass, and maybe even a sandbox!" So I was setup to find something with a playground or a sandbox or a huge lot that they could explore all day in. Oh the things we do for our children....

I'm lucky that one of my BFF's from college lives 15 minutes north of me. We've been staying with them since the first trip in December. On the way from Bonnie's house to the clinic this last week, I noticed two places on the Redmond-Woodinville Rd (Redwood Rd) that teach golf to kids, in fact has private lessons for the entire family. Wherever I look, there are so many things for kids to do. Luckily for the kids, it wasn't too hard finding a house with a playground, about half of the homes I looked at had playgrounds in the yard. It's such a  great thing to know I won't have to be taking them to parks to play all the time.

And talking about time, it looks like I'll be working with Mike in the beginning. So Isaac will be going to school. I'm so bummed about it, but at least there's one advantage: he'll be a scout sooner! He's been bugging me to get into scouts but he's not even 6 yet. Apparently if you're in school you can start Tiger Cubs, so he'll be doing that (I hope). Bella will be going to a wonderful Montessori that is 5 minutes from the clinic.

Oh man...as exciting as it is to be working again, I'm so hesitant to put Isaac in public school. I only hear raves about the schools in Redmond, but I'm so biased against the school system. I feel like I'm going to have to unteach on a daily basis. I actually wouldn't be so against it if he were older, but where as the curriculum and style of learning in elementary is so different than what I teach them, it'll be interesting to see how I can mix the 2 to ensure he gets the right language arts foundation. I have to keep an open mind, maybe it won't be as bad as I think. Looks like I'll be busier than I expected.

I have met a few Brazilian families and in their neighborhood there are about a dozen of them. Most working at Microsoft. All the kids are in Jiu-Jitsu with a Brazilian teacher and love it, I can't wait for Isaac and Bella to have Portuguese speaking friends!

Being happy in religion.

I'm not sure how or why but I've always had spiritual experiences. The first time I remember having them I was about 10 or 11. These experiences seemed to have a pattern. They always happened when I was questioning something.  When I was 15, I received my patriarchal blessing and the first thing that stood out to me was a part that said I "shouted for joy".  That was so telling of me, of the fact that personality is not so much genetic but come from your pure essence from God. Those 3 words, confirmed to me that I would never change, I was loud and boisterous from my beginning, and frankly I loved it!

So growing up, I had always questioned authority. It was no wonder I lived away from home since almost 13. First I ended up here in the US for 6 months, then I went back to  Brazil and moved in with my aunt and uncle for another 6 months, then I went back home for a while. I was tough to handle I guess. After one of the strongest, hardest, and most beautiful spiritual experiences of my life, at barely 15 I left my family one last time and moved permanently to the US. My mother felt like a failure, I had no relationship with my father really, so here I was...

When things weren't quite going right, some type of answer would come. Through a blessing, through scriptures, through someone, through pure conviction that I was a fighter.   Learning to fight though didn't come for a long time after.  But those experiences were always there, I remember the first time I saw that Footprints poem about Jesus holding the guy through the tough times, and I thought: "Oh that was made just for me."

Consequently my testimony of the  Gospel has been acquired through individual and private experiences that are not necessarily the norm. It sounds weird to say, but it's truly mind boggling to me, that members of our church who completely believe in current revelation, not just through prophets, seers and revelators, but our own individual right and privilege as well as capacity to receive, don't quite know or think of using that gift. When time comes for questioning for seeking answers to doubts, they simply look for other men to give them answers.

I should one of these days, make a conscious effort, of counting how many times a day I get a divinely inspired thought. Maybe I should do a week's project to see a pattern of daily guidance. Some are so minuscule, it's hard to tell if it's just me, but then something related to that thought happens and I realize it wasn't just "me." Then there are the big ones, the ones I call the "slap in the face experiences." Using my own jargon, I have to admit I really like being slapped. It makes my ego realize that I don't know the answer to everything, that I'm not as awesome as I think I am. That I am a mere human being trying to progress in life "just like everybody else."

Lately there have been a few experiences of varying degrees. One that seems to happen to most of us, is closely related to a hindsight-20/20 type. We are in the process of getting ready to move to another state to actually grow roots there. We thought we were growing roots here. But one day this week as I woke up and was thinking about our impending move and how exciting it is, I had almost like a flash back of the last 4 years in one second, how we've been preparing for this move without even knowing it. This has been somewhat of a sudden decision, even though the process has taken a couple of months. But we never expected to be moving, we've really enjoyed living here. But that flash back was real and is really hard to deny. It seems like since Mike and I have been married we've had quite a few of these, where WE both notice God's hand.

So you see, religion and church, to me are much more than what I read in books or hear from the pulpit. It's ethereal, ubiquitous, surreal at times even because spiritual experiences seems to good to be true. It's a daily commune that happens, many times it requires no canonized scripture, sometimes it does and it's amazing what I can learn when tuned into the right channel, sometimes it happens as I'm struggling to teach a universal truth to my children, sometimes it happens while I have my precious 5 minutes without kids in the shower, sometimes I just pick up the pen and start writing words of comfort and wisdom that appease my mind and heart about an issue I have. I'm not saying I don't need the establishment, I desperately need structure although in theory I don't like it.  But why should I question the establishment when it makes me happy, when it strengthens me? I strongly believe, we all have the right to question, and to receive answers to those questions, it's part of our own individual journey and progression. But as I read last week on a blog post, I agree with the author: my doubts, my theories, my struggles with whatever are better addressed in a setting like church. I think most people's are too. And I'm so grateful for the freedom I have to believe or not, and be happy while I live!