At 3:45 this morning I was wide awake. I'm not sure if it's because I'm excited for the day or depressed because of what happened yesterday. Certainly I'm at fault and I have no reason or desire to hide that. I'm still human and I get hurt and defensive too.
In the book Girls On The Edge, author Dr. Leonard Sax talks about the difficulties of our age involving girls. He mentions that one of them is obsession. Girls are obsessed with different things thus some may have a weight/anorexia obsession, others may have a school/grades obsession, sports/competitive obsession, and I found out I have my own. Actually I was reminded I have my own, I already knew I had this problem. A few people in my life have doubted me, my capacity for achieving and accomplishing goals. You can tell it's an obsession because I talk about it a lot. My obsession is to prove them wrong. I've been labeled lazy, quitter, disorganized, unmotivated by many throughout my life.
Because of this, I'm obsessed with starting something and finishing it, with doing my best, with being a perfectionist. Sometimes I feel like my efforts go unnoticed, unappreciated. Like all the time I spend on my children educating them, disciplining them, nursing them back to sleep countless nights in the last 5 years, healing them when I am in need of healing, taking care of them every minute of the day means nothing. Sometimes it feels like I have to fight and pull teeth to get anything done. When I get burned out (which happens very often) there's no remedy for my soul and aching body.
That's when usually a gentle nub, reminds me of Someone greater than me, far more important than me, who understands my plight, who has suffered more than I have. Although my mission is somewhat muddy in my eyes, I understand it and I accept it. But His mission was crystal clear and he also accepted it with faith unwavering. Watching the new video the LDS Church has put out on Christ's atonement, brings everything into perspective. It gives me comfort that MY time is not yet at hand. I'm not quite done with my work. As Christ says "My Father hath given me this cup, shall not drink it?", I too have been given a cup and have chosen with all my free will to take it and drink it. My cup is nothing like his cup, could I even dare to compare it to one drop of his blood? ...Nope.
My problems shrink and disappear in front of the massive and infinite atonement He suffered for all of us. His example will forever remind me of what unconditional love means. It doesn't suffice to say it or feel it, it sufficeth to act on it no matter the circumstance. There's no muscle growth unless there is muscle exhaustion. There's no gain without some or a lot of pain.
I will keep trying to be even as He is.
At-one-ment
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