Yesterday I became a Mother.

For almost two years, I've been yearning to go back to work. I've missed my job, the ego massages, the right to brag, the proving of something to someone out there. It has been almost like a midlife crisis, at 30.

I love real estate, and above all, I loved what it gave me while I was doing it: big ego boosting and pride. Those two things are obviously either good or bad depending on their context. I especially loved competing with men who like to compete with women.

I know I'm sick. And I have been sicker for the last two years because when you distance yourself from something you start to forget the bad and only remember the good. You romanticize, and fantasize and reality goes down the drain. It has been one of, if not the biggest struggles of my life. Career or family? Obviously my family started on God's own time, and He seems to keep making things happen in my life without consulting me. To put it in real estate terms, I have given him universal agency and so as my Agent He does what He sees fit for my welfare. Thank you my Perfect Agent!

Anyway, so yesterday I became a mother...for good. Forever. With no but's or if's or maybe's. I've been wanting so badly to feel like I mattered in a worldly sense again, I wanted to go back to being respected, admired for being successful, etc etc etc. This life of cleaning up after kids all the long, having dinner ready, making a house a home just hasn't been for me. Or so I thought until 8am yesterday.

I received a call earlier this week from Pulte Homes to come in to interview with them, to go back to work as a sales consultant in Santa Fe. Pulte owns Centex Homes and they are the only tract builders in Santa Fe. I knew I didn't want to commute to Albuquerque, and it just so happens that SF is where they needed me. Things just seemed perfect. I told me I didn't want to work on Sundays, despite knowing that in new construction real estate, that's like saying: "I don't want to sell homes." It was an awkward interview, at least for me. The VP of Sales was pretty much looking at me with a look that said: "why the hell are you even here then?"

A couple of hours after the interview the General Sales Manager called and said he was emailing me an official job application. I got home and emailed him back and thanked him for his time, but that I wouldn't be the right fit for them. Around 3pm he was calling me to talk about a position that was opening up in Santa Fe that would be perfect for me. No weekends at all, floating 3 communities, etc. I politely declined, it just didn't feel right.

I had been with the kids in the car since 6:50am, they stayed with Mike in the parking lot while I went in for the interview. We got some food later, went shopping for our trip, while dad headed to work in Gallup. We drove home, they came with me while I went visiting teaching, and we finally got home pooped from so much activity. I looked at those kids, and I just couldn't bear the thought of not being with them every single minute of the day. Everything I despise about being at home suddenly didn't matter. Everything that I've been wanting to get back to in the last two years, suddenly didn't matter. The only thing that mattered, where those sets of little hands and little feet that call me Mommy. What am I going to do with a six figure income, if I don't have the time to enjoy trips with my family? If can't have the freedom to go to the park on playdates, or to the pool, or to drive 3 days in the car to get to the beach and watch them learn about the ocean, get a tan and take naps in a hammock?

Yesterday, I became a real Mother. The mother I've always dreamed I would be. The one my parents, grandparents, and in-laws would be proud of. That I'm now proud of being, my true Title. It was a hard day yesterday, surreal because I got what I thought I wanted, and then I pushed it all aside to keep what I have right now. From now on, it's time to enjoy taking care of my family, and making great memories with them. I think I just changed from living in the future, where life is perfect, to living in the present where life is not so perfect. And you know what? I like that much better...

 Master Oogway is completely right:

"The past is history, the future is a mystery, and the now is a gift, that's why we call it present."

Bella's Mess.

1001 struggles

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of the fight within. I don't know how many of us even realize them, I personally think a lot of people don't realize the location of the struggles, and think they are externalities (to use an economics term) Somebody once said: "I have seen the enemy and he is us." There's no truer saying.

I struggle with a lot of things. They are all very personal to share with the blogosphere. But needless to say, my struggle is all internal. It's a fight within myself. Just like in the old cartoons when there was an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Which one do you let win? It's amazing how many tricks our minds play on us. This is a long, deeply intriguing and time consuming subject. And more than anything I just wanted to share something that helps me every day (besides lots of praying) how I can feel better, positive and keep my perspective.

Music is such a deep part of me, it's melted into my soul and I have no doubts that the creation of music together with the experiencing of it, is part of God and His love for us.

Here are a couple of songs that I just love, especially when I'm working out.

Because the songs were playing at the same time as my songs below I've added the to the player:
They are the following:


One Day by Matisyahu
We Will Walk by Matisyahu

What a stressful week.

Well, I sat down to vent about my week. It was a nightmare, horrible nightmare. Seriously it has drained me of every ounce of energy that I have. So I'm not gonna write about it since I hate people who are negative and I don't like being negative myself. (Rephrasing: I despise people who are negative) I just don't have energy for it. Instead here are some pictures of what Bella has been up to this week.

Playing on the puddle of water, left by the handy man who is doing our bathrooms. Getting completely drenched. Look at that cute little foot.

Eating dirt that Isaac mixed to give to the birds. I love those big brown eyes.

This week was also Mike's 40th. I planned a little party for him which was a  success at least in turn out. I didn't get everything I wanted to get done, but no one noticed just me. I forgot to tell Mike's assistants about his bday and it wasn't in the calendar, but I still called them and Espe managed to have a little surprise party after he got back from "guy's lunch". Mike is a happy 40 year old, and since 40 is the new 30, he's actually younger than me now.....

My "own" Dr. McSteamy.  Happy Birthday Lover!

Here's that nostalgia again...

I have lived here for 16 years and it happens every Spring: Nostalgia hits me once again. Whenever the possibility of Summer presents itself and especially when Mike has a day off, I travel back in time. In my head it's a Saturday, dad is off and consequently it's 'beach day'. We used to wake up between 6 and 7 am, my mom and dad would have made breakfast which always seemed to be cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk, or  cheese sandwich and juice. (My dad used to make the best orange and papaya juices. Freshly squeezed. We all knew what we had to do before leaving the house: clean our rooms, help the parents get the rest of the house organized and off we went to the beach. Even when I just went with my friends, this is the ritual on Saturday mornings.

To this day I still cannot clean the house without some music blasting on the computer or my iPod. My dad still does the same thing..I miss those days, they were good. My childhood and early teenage years, were really good. That's not to say that life in general hasn't been because it's been better than I ever expected and for that I'm very grateful. But, on days like these I miss my home, what used to be home back in my old country. I miss that everyday is summer, that the sun shines and burns you badly and that no matter how hard you try to not to, you do end up with a tan.

As my dad is faced with the advent of immigrating to this country, and fighting it to the death(it seems like), I can totally understand why he doesn't want to come. I accept that he doesn't want to come here. I could see how for him it means leaving all those memories, the life and legacy that he has created behind. It's a lot easier coming when you are younger and have no clue what life is and what you are going to do about it. But when you are retiring, it must feel like now you get to sit and watch the fruits ripen on the trees you've worked so hard to grow and flourish. Leaving those trees behind, must be torturous and painful. I get you daddy, and I'm there for you.