You know, it's been 15 years since I first came to go to school here. The plan was always to go back home to Brazil, as the years went by and I grew more and more to be partly American--in thought, emotion and opinion, I found myself feeling depressed.
Yep, not that it's a bad thing, but that I felt like was I betraying my heritage. I think a lot of immigrants go through it and at some point in their path they have to accept that through their choices (or not) they no longer live in their birth country and in order for them to be fully complete and content with themselves, they must accept their new home(the full package as a whole).
I remember vividly when that happened for me, I think I was 21 and it was my junior year in college at BYU. I worried about going home to not find a job in Interior Design, and most importantly I was worried about not being able to find a husband who shared my religious, and social-cultural awareness of being a world citizen. Then I remember meeting a Brazilian, who changed it all for me. She was in the middle of her degree and came up to the US I don't remember why. But...in less than a year, in and out of relationships, she got married. Everything seemed fine, everyone accepted that--albeit not her full intention--she came here to get married and never go back.
That's when I realized that if I had been here since I was 15; had gone to high school; had experienced my formative years as an American; spoke and wrote better English than Portuguese; could not adapt to Brazilians in America at that age; why could I not have the desire to stay? Why was it unacceptable for me to do so? Why could everyone else who were illegal; who didn't speak English; had no goals of assimilating into the melting pot be able to stay?
Some how the years passed I graduated from college, got a job, got married, got divorced, got married again, had kids, had many jobs etc etc. Now I'm here, I'm an American. Friday I was sworn in. I wasn't as excited as 99% of the people there. I couldn't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I've been here so long, and have been here legally(with a few dramatic moments and exceptions,when laws are changed and I've had to scurry and make sure my documents were in order), I've been leading life as I would have anywhere else in the world; pursuing my dreams, working towards eternity, still trying to fit into my pink size 6 pants. I've always felt Brazilian, and I've never not felt American.
You know what did it for me? What made me break my quiet yet arrogant feeling of entitlement, that I somehow deserved more than others and now I was taking it for granted? It was when we were asked to stand when your birth country was announced. A handful of the 300 people becoming citizens were from countries such as Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and other countries who have in one way or another oppressed their people. It was seeing the elation in their eyes from being able to learn from their past, and go forward with their goals of their own American dream.
Coming home I told Mike about that. He commented, "it's amazing to see so many people seeking the same things that you are." To that I promptly replied "No, we were not seeking the same things. I was born free, I have always had my freedoms to dress how I wanted, to be educated, to speak how I wanted, and worship how I wanted. I was probably the least deserving of them all. I've always had what I wanted or needed. They haven't."
