Missing Helen.

Helen coming back from a jet-ski ride in Lake St. Clair, Canada, where she spent many summers as a youth.

Yesterday marked the first anniversary of Helen's death. That was a hard day for all of us. I remember getting a call at 7am from Mike who was in NM working, saying that he had just talked to Jim, his dad. He said Jim put the phone up to Helen's ear, and that while she could no longer talk, she could still listen. Mike was crying and I started crying and decided to call and say my goodbye also.

Isaac's last days with Grandma, and mine too. In Lake St. Clair, Canada.

I promised her that I would take good care of her son and our children. And an hour later I was out the door with Isaac to the airport to catch the first available flight to Ohio. Mike did the same from Albuquerque and we got there too late. She had already passed, but the next night we were able to go dress her for the funeral and it was such an amazing experience. I think all the women who went felt her presence there. She looked so different, the woman we no was know longer inside that shell. She felt no more pain, she was with loved ones who had gone before her, and now only time stands between her and us.

We miss you dear Helen, and we can't wait to see you again.

Going to see the train, just like she used to do with her cousins. This last time with her grandchildren.

Bella, one week later...

It was a week ago last night, that my cutie pie arrived and it seems like it's been a lot longer. It maybe due to carrying her inside me for the last 38 weeks, our bond was already there. I can't believe it, but it was love at first sight. The feelings of worrying about what kind of trouble she may become in the future were all gone, only love abode. The adrenaline of a natural birth, a new life, more love all contributed to the insurmountable amount of happiness I feel now.

Helen Isabella, named primarily after her paternal grandmother, whom she crossed paths with briefly in Heaven while waiting to come to this earth. Helen was diagnosed with cancer right before Mike and I got engaged, and consequently we knew it was only a matter of time. When I was pregnant with Isaac, we decided it that if the baby was a girl, she would carry her grandmother's namesake, and her great grandmother's too. Now that she is here, there was no doubt in our minds that she fitted the name perfectly. Her middle name, and possibly the one she will go by for most of her life, was partly decided because of its Italian roots; our love for Italy, the place where Isaac was conceived(remember we thought he was a girl).

So she starts her life, full of health, full of promises and dreams. A quiet baby, but not for long I'm sure. She will be strong, in will and physique. Beautiful like Helen of Troy, charismatic like her grandmother, spunky like her mother. She will give so much to this world, my little bundle of joy will be una Bella Donna. And I, the one to teach her; to love her Saviour, to be kind, to be helpful, and to bridle her will. It seems almost impossible that I can and will help her to become the woman she one day will be. I'm humbled and excited to watch her grow as part of our family.

Welcome to the world Bella!

2 by 30 & A Natural Birth (Part II)

So I didn't save the best part for last, the second part is just for recording sake. I asked Nikki to call Mike in after they had stiched me up. Detail: My sister in law, Camilla, had her last son 6 months ago and I was fortunate to watch the birth. I never confirmed with her, but I think he epidural wasn't working very well, because she could feel the urge to push and I think it was painful. So when it came time to stich her up I remember her complaining about the anesthesia shots. I was sooo scared when the doctor said that I needed some stiches and he was going to give me local anesthesia. I freaked out once again, but I think most of my nerves had been damaged enough that I hardly felt anything when gave me the shots. I know it's probably too much information...

Anyway, so Mike came in with Isaac in his arms and we got to hang out with Bella for a long time. They just put her on my bosom and cleaned everything up and left. Except for Montessa, she stuck around to make sure everything was fine. Then she said that whenever I was ready, she could clean the baby up and take her measurements. This part was really neat because they do all of that in the room after the birth. So you get to watch everything they are doing in a private setting. I remember at Timp Hospital, they took Isaac away so quickly to the nursery to get him cleaned up and checked. Mike went with him, but I didn't get to see anything. So I appreciated watching all that, and Mike got to cut the cord then too. Oh one thing I found interesting is that they asked us if we wanted the placenta. It is a Navajo custom to bury the placenta as a form of going back to mother earth. How interesting.. But seeing as it's pretty cold outside and I don't own the land in my backyard I declined. Here's one thing I found a little surprising. They have you stay at the hospital one day, then go home. When you are in post-partum recovery(if you know what I mean), it's nice to be able to stay for an extra day. I was glad when my doctor came to visit and asked if I wanted to stay one more night.

So it starts little Helen Isabella's life. She's a quiet baby, and so cute. I'm glad that I was able to have her completely naturally, even if I wasn't planning on it. Deep inside I've always wanted to have my children naturally, but being the wimp that I am when it comes to pain... Anyway, it was an amazing experience, and I was telling Mike and Lynn later that the contractions hurt a lot more than the pushing. Not having gone through it before you don't realize it, but it was almost as if my body numbed me at the time of pushing. The adrenaline I felt lasted until about 3:00 am when I was finally able to sleep for 2.5 hours. I woke up the next morning, and my eyes were burning, but I felt fine.

What a difference from Isaac's birth, where it took forever for me to dilate and I was in "active labor" for about 12 hours, though my contractions were coming for a total for 25 hours.

When people would say that every pregnancy is different, I couldn't understand how they could say that. A pregnancy is a pregnancy, but I just learned that is not the case. I'm glad I got to celebrate my 30th birthday with my little daughter.

2 By 30 and A Natural Birth (Part I)

Two goals I've had for a long time: 1. To have two children before I turned 30, and 2. To have a natural birth, with no assistance from drugs. Mission accomplished!

So I guess we can all say this post is a continuation of yesterday's occurrences. After I blogged about my frustrations with my contractions. To make a long story short, or emphasize on the best parts of the story, the contractions slowed down a bit until I started to move around more at 3:45pm. I decided to keep time again, since I was feeling that they were more painful and coming a lot faster. 45 minutes later I had a pattern of 5-7 minutes and a minute long so I decided to call my doctor to see if she thought if that meant this was actual labor.

An hour later( 5:50pm) I'm at the hospital to be checked and see if indeed it is labor. Now this is where the story gets funny and exciting. I go to registration and they bring me a wheelchair, so I tell them I can walk fine, just can't really talk during contractions. 10 minutes later I'm waiting again for a nurse to come and lead me to the maternity ward. She also brings a wheelchair and tell her that I can walk. So while we're going up, I can tell that she's looking at me and thinking there's no way this lady is really in labor.

By 6:20 I'm being checked by a nurse named Cleo in triage. She soon calls my doctor, who is in the hospital on call, and tells her that I've arrived and that she checked me and I have a weird cervix. Translation: one side is 2cm dilated, and the other is 4cm. I'm also having contractions which have slow down a bit, but some of them have been pretty strong according to the monitor on my belly. Cleo comes in and announces that my OB wants to wait another hour before admitting me, just to make sure that contractions aren't going away. I guess she felt that since this was all so random it was better just to make sure. And because of it, Mike and I had planned that I was to go in and confirm that I was being admitted before he came in with our bags and Isaac who was asleep at this point.

So I texted Mike and asked him to call our friend Lynn who was going to stay with Isaac. I figured there was no reason for her to drive an hour from Albuquerque if I wasn't going to be staying. She decided to come anyway, and meanwhile I was trying to convince Mike to bring me my laptop so I wasn't so bored while I waited for an hour dealing with contractions. At this point, my contractions started to get more intense, and I was seriously considering asking for some medication cause they were super strong. I looked at the monitor and saw that some of the contractions were peaking off the charts and that's when I asked for some medicine. I couldn't have an epidural yet because I wasn't admitted, if you remember. This was about 7:00 pm. and another nurse, Ruth, was arriving.

I'm almost hyper-ventilating and I asked Ruth for drugs. She says: "Hun, I'll get you some as soon as I check you." She proceeded to lower my bed so I could be laying down, but there was a contraction coming and I coped better sitting up. So I sat up and at the moment it peaked, my water broke. I breathlessly told her that my water just broke, and she had to confirm(in my head I'm thinking that none of these nurses believe what I'm going through at this point). I laid down as more water is gushing out and she checked me quickly and said I was dilated to a 7. This is when all hell broke loose.

All of a sudden I have both Cleo and Ruth in triage yelling at some other nurses(including Nikki, the nurse who came to get me with the wheelchair in the waiting room) to get my room ready and call the doctor. Cleo arrives with a wheelchair to take me to my room. Ruth is getting my belongings and ignoring my begging for drugs. My contractions felt like they were 30 seconds apart and I was shaking and becoming more hysterical with each contraction. Cleo was trying to calm me down yet firmly convince me that I needed to go on the wheelchair to the other room because it was faster that way. I wanted to just stay on the bed I was on and have them wheel me over.

So I get on the wheelchair as another contraction hits and I'm panting and begging everyone that went past for an epidural. When I got to my room which was around the corner, it was somewhere between 7:15 and 7:20pm. There were 4-5 nurses arranging for everything, and another OB was there. Somehow my doctor--who was in the hospital--wasn't able to make it. I had my cell in hand and I was hoping to be able to calm down enough to text "NOW" to Mike, when he serendipitously stomped in with Isaac in toe. I was panting with no sign of stopping and still shaking and asking for my epidural. Isaac was a little shocked to see Mommy screaming and he tried a couple of times to tell me: "Não chora, mamãe." Mike said Isaac even yelled at me. I just remember him getting to the bed, and Mike grabbing him really quickly and escorting him out of the room. Montessa, one of my nurses tried to appease me by pretending she is going to put an I.V. in so I could get the epidural. Nikki says: "Hun you don't have time for an epidural, you are going to push." I replied: "I don't want to push, I want an epidural PLEASE, I'm going to pass out." Nikki, later on, commented that she almost wanted to tell me I was getting one so I could shut up and push.

So about 5-10 minutes later, the doctor told me to push and I put my hand on my crotch and yelled that I wanted an epidural and didn't want to push until I had it. My body was pushing and I was trying to stop with my hand. My second push I just couldn't help it and Isabella's head came out. I pushed again and her body came out, and my fourth and last push was a minute or two later to get the placenta out. Now that I had Isabella out and the contractions had stopped I was so relieved. I barely felt any pain when the doctor stretched me more in the middle of a push so her head could come out. I tore and ended up with a couple of stitches.

To Be or Not To Be...in labor that is.

I'm tired and I'm anxious. Since Thursday night I've been feeling stronger contractions. The issue is that they mostly come at night, when I'm trying to sleep. When everyone else is having quiet time, I'm up surfing the web. How sad is that? So I thought I was going into labor in the wee hours of Saturday morning. That's exactly how it happened with Isaac. I checked me contractions and of course they were irregular but constant, I mean 10 times in 90 minutes. I decided to get more sleep. During all day Saturday, they came and went but not as constant, and super irregular. Then last night, it happens again. I can't sleep at 2am because of them. I try to track them: 6-9 minutes apart, 35-54 seconds long. Once again, surfing the web, I read about prodromal labor, and decide that's what I'm having and go back to sleep. This is 3:45 by now.

After constantly waking up during constractions, I took a hot shower at 5:46 this morning which seems to aleviate the darn pain. It is now 9:30 and I've decided I'm not going to church. I'm staying in bed, hoping that by resting a bit I can make them stop.

Yesterday's Sunrise.

This is a SOOC shot from Isaac's window. Unfortunately there's no detail on the shadows, I'll try to edit the photo to see if I can bring any out. This is Santa Fe, basically, everyday.