Father Figure.

Today is Father's Day. In church my wonderful friend D. gave a beautiful and sweet tribute to her father, who is back on the side of the eternal. I couldn't help but let the tears flow as she vividly reminissed on experiences with her father as she grew up. Such a beautiful eulogy! It made me miss my father so much. Dad and I didn't seem to have the closest relationship as we shared the same home, but after I graduated from High School here in the U.S. we seemed to catch up on some lost moments. Some of these memories I have are priceless. I will attempt to write them down, the same way D. did so I can treasure them forever and share them with him.

2-3 YO: Dad or Grandpa had a small catamaran. The type that has a hard mesh area in the middle where you sit. I remember the blue skies no clouds, the water turquoise and warm as usual. As mom held me out to Dad so he could put me on the boat, he cut his foot on a rock or shell. I remember being worried that his bleeding foot would attract sharks. I had never seen one in all the times I had been in the ocean, but I was scared for my dad and wished he would get in the boat already.

4-5YO: We drove down to the São Paulo temple. 4 days in the car, stopping to visit family where we had them along the way. [Tangent: Every time we travelled anywhere we travelled by car, we didn't have money and it was just the only option. I remember Dad's bronze "Caravan" station wagon with all the luggage on top so that we could sleep in the back. He  cut up foam and to fit the shape of the  trunk and it made the best bed ever. We would always leave around 5 am so we could sleep the duration of most trips, which were fairly short.] Back to São Paulo. I was awakened by the thunder outside of the temple's dormitory. We were in the basement and the window that was just above the ground was open. I don't remember the rest of the story, but my parents told me I climbed out the window and went to the playground to play super early in the morning without telling them. I remember the rain and thunder and recall I've always loved thunderstorms ever since then.

5YO: I was camping on the beach with the family. We would go on  rides up the mangroves that flowed into the ocean. We would get on an inflatable rubber boat and paddle up the river and explore the trees and animals living in the mangroves. We had been there a lot, sometimes Dad would ask us to lie down on the bottom of the boat because it was the only way to get the boat through the low hanging branches of the trees. Those were such great adventures.

6-7YO: I really liked the house on the hill in  Campina Grande. I especially liked that it had a concrete bench in it. In front of my window there was a big tree whose branches led perfectly to the tiled roof of the house. I remember Dad sitting there with my brother and I looking through Grandpa's binoculars at the city. I remember the day we left and closed up the Cultura Inglesa my dad managed for my aunt. It was raining a lot, and where the school was it must have been a low area because the water would flood the street and get to the threshold of the school's door. We got in the car and left, a tape with "Celestial" songs played in the tape player. We would often joke that when we got to Heaven we would listen to stuff like Richard Clayderman.

8YO: I'm all in white. Right next to  the bishop's office in the church building was the baptismal font. My dad baptized me, and confirmed me a member of the church. My family members who have always been against our faith came. I remember feeling weird that they were there, with mad faces because they 'had' to come to a church they didn't like  in order to celebrate my birthday. My dad confirmed me a member, and as he blessed me and said the words of the priesthood blessing "receive the Holy Ghost" I felt warm inside. I was wearing a white bride's maid dress made for my aunt's wedding. Just this year in 2011, I visited that church for the first time in about 20 years, some of the same faces I remember from childhood are still attending church there.

9YO: We had a 10x20 plastic pool in the yard. On the weekends we would grill meat, turn on the radio and  swim in our tiny little pool. We were in heaven. We would swim even when the water was green with who knows what. Dad was there some times, and mom would put on special swimming suits that were for Dad's eyes only. I remember my parents were very affectionate and I found it surprising that Americans felt that public displays of affection were awkward and inappropriate.

11YO: Dad had been first counselor in the stake presidency which was comprised of two states, now he is Natal's first stake president.  I remember Elder Martins coming to our house in Ponta Negra sitting with us, joking with the kids, and asking if we would agree to let my dad be the new stake president. I was so proud of him, but then as the months came and went I never saw him. I remember feeling frustrated, I would only see him late at night.  Around the same time, one day I remember him talking to my mom in the kitchen. He was so tired, so down. I remember him telling me about how some people did bad things and they opened a window of opportunity for darkness to come in, and when darkness came in it was disastrous. I never forgot that talk about how there's light and there's darkness. Never  give them an opening, darkness will always tempt you to let it come in. I still see the same window I picture in my head that night.

14YO: I had stayed with mom's best friend for the weekend. Her daughter was my best friend. I drover her boyfriend's car around for a bit, and got scared when I saw a cop car around a bend. My mom's friend found out, and told my parents. A couple of days later, dad asked me to come into his room, he closed the door. We sat at the foot of the bed, our heads almost touching the wardrobes. He was quiet for a moment, then he asked: "If I sell our only car, could we cover the damage you made to your friend's car?" I told him that nothing had happened, there were no accidents. (Dad had let me drive around the block with him since I was 11). He was silent again, then he said I could go. That made such a profound impact on me. He didn't show how upset he was, he just taught me an amazing lesson.

16YO: I was home in Brazil for the summer. I had visited my old modeling agency, and there was a swim wear show coming up. After an argument with my mother about it, my dad sat down with me and talked to me about how it was time I started to make good decisions and that I understood the consequences of doing things that didn't invite the spirit into my life. He once again, acknowledged the rules we had about modesty and about how our bodies are temples. He asked me to think about it for good. My two options were: 1. decide if I wanted to continue to invest in becoming a better person  in the U.S. where I was away from all the temptations, or  2. decided if I wanted fame, recognition and popularity at home in Natal. They were making too many financial sacrifices to keep me in the U.S., and so maybe I should come home.  I chose not to participate, never saw anyone from the agency again, and a few weeks later I came back to the U.S.

18YO: Dad came to my high school graduation.  We took a road trip to D.C. to visit with my aunt at her home.  I remember driving across the country and dad telling me that one thing he never forgot about Grandpa was that he always said: "Primeiro o dever, depois o lazer" (First your duty then your leasure).  I have taken that to heart. We got out of the car in the middle of a lightning storm to take pictures of Mount Rushmore, getting completely soaked in 3 seconds. Every time we stopped to get gas, he would make sure the windshield was spotless.  I remember him saying that his vision of me was a girl divided in half: one side holding a brief case, wearing high heels and a business suit, the other:  wearing a swimsuit, fins on my foot and holding a bodyboard. My car of preference: an army hummer. Saying goodbye to him at the Dulles airport was the first time of many that I cried at airports because I didn't want to let Dad go.

21YO: Around this time, I'm close to graduating from college, and my dad has started to call me Sarah Connor because I'm so strong willed I'm capable of crazy things to achieve what I truly want. It's summer and we're in Florida at my great-aunt's house. Dad is asking me about my plans to go on a mission. I tell him I don't have any and try to back my decision up with Pres. Hinckley's talk about women needing an education. This was the first time I saw disappointment in his face. I had just crushed his dream of having his tough first born bringing people unto the fold. I was crushed that he was crushed.

23YO: It's the night before my wedding. Dad comes into my room coerced by my mother to talk to me and give me marital advice and to explain a mystery I had deciphered. He pours out his heart and tells me about all the ups and downs he's had with mom. I don't remember him really giving me words of counsel, I only remember him venting everything that had ever happened  in his life with my mother. But, I get the picture. Marriage is hard, really hard, and you have to work at it. If you keep the commandments,  stick to the scriptures and  pray and ask God for help, you can succeed at anything. He and mom did.

25YO: I've been divorced for about 5 months. I'm going through a hard time spiritually, I'm blaming God. I'm currently in Brazil and my work visa renewal is denied.  I'm lost as to what to do about my life. It looks like I'm never coming back to even get my belongings. Dad and  I had to stop at a tiny shack to fix a spare tire. As we wait, Dad and I start throwing rocks at the big tree with ripe juicy "jambos" waiting  for a passer-by. We sit on the cobble stone-bordered sidewalk to eat the warm jambos. I say: "Is there anything better than eating a fresh jambo sitting at the edge of the sidewalk, when it's a sunny 90 degrees outside?" Dad takes a while to answer and says: "Baby, I'm so glad that with all the success and trials you've had, you still stop and enjoy these tiny simple blessings in life. This is a day I'll never forget."

28YO: I find out I'm having a boy. I'm talking to Dad on the computer, and venting to him that Mike doesn't want an exotic name, and really likes normal, traditional names like Bible names. "I can't stand Bible names", I tell Dad. Dad asks why, and says "How about: Baal-zebub, Shadrach, Meschack, Abednego, Coriantumr, Kishkumen, Isaac, Morianton..." I say: "Isaac? That actually sounds like a good name. What does Isaac mean.."

28YO: I'm almost due with  Isaac. Dad comes to my townhome community to take pictures of the homes I'm selling. I can tell he's proud of my accomplishments. He cleans my dusty garage for me at my newly built house in the middle of Orem, UT. He's taking pictures of everything especially the unfinished basement and all the building systems exposed between joists and 2x4's. We are finally getting Isaac's room ready. Dad starts to cry in Isaac's room and says "Grandpa is here with us".  I start to cry too. My grandpa passed away when I was 14, I didn't go to his funeral because I thought my social life was more important than seeing Grandpa for the last time. I still haven't forgiven myself, and dad says " Baby, Grandpa loves you so much, it's ok you can forgive yourself."

30 YO: We're in Florida. I'm asking Dad a spiritual question to a situation that was happening to a friend. His response completely takes me by surprise. It is more open and accepting than I ever expected coming from a bishop. I once again am grateful for having such a spiritual giant as my dad.

32YO: It's a new year. I'm overwhelmed with decisions that will forever impact our family. The responsibility  I've decided to take on seems impossible, but I know the direction to go even though I feel like the obstacles are immense. Dad is here visiting, and I ask him for a blessing. He blesses me with the power, energy and health to make things happen. He admonishes me that if I keep our house full of love, that nothing will tear us down because our home will always be a refuge from the world. My conviction grows stronger because not only I believe Dad is telling me what God has told him, (the part about having love in my home is in my patriarchal blessing and he doesn't know that) but also because Dad believes I can do it and fully supports my decision.

These are some of the most memorable times I've had with my dad. I'm grateful that our family is sealed for time AND all eternity because I just couldn't picture eternity without him. I love you Paizão, Feliz Dias dos Pais. :)

Intending...

Just a quick thought  related to one of my latest posts. The more interlaced my life and reading material becomes, the more clear things get. Gotta love it!

"The genius in you isn't seeking confirmation from others, but quiet space for its ideas to blossom. An uncomplicated life with fewer intrusions tolerated, in a simple setting, allows your creative genius to surface and express itself. The simplicity establishes a link to the power of intention and your genius will flourish." --Wayne Dyer in The Power of Intention

Living Unencumbered.

I had an amazing experience yesterday. I've been reading Aspire and there are quite a few books mentioned in it. So I decided read some of these books. Yesterday I was reading The Greatest Salesman In The World by Og Mandino. It's pretty short just a couple hours, and when I got to the first scroll of advice I had decided that I was going to write down all the scrolls just like the book advises I would repeat the first scroll until I could really understand its message.

"I will commence my journey unencumbered with either the weight of unnecessary knowledge or the handicap of meaningless experience."

As I read this sentence it hit me like a ton of bricks. In order for me to commence in the path of my Personal Legend I realized I need to be unencumbered. Quickly the thought of came to me that I have already lived a life unencumbered,  except for one thing: I really need to live the meaning of Namasté. And, in order to do so I need to love everyone and see their divine. That was my encumbrance. When I believe myself to be right about something and someone wrongs me without perceived cause, I have been very prone to putting up a wall as big and invincible as the Wall of China between that person and me. That wall can only be removed if they person admits their wrong and acknowledges my right. I remember doing that for the first time with my best friend when I was 11 years old, and I have done it ever since and have felt no regrets. Yesterday I realized that I needed to remove this encumbrance otherwise I could not move as fast and productively as I wish. My first instinct  was to fight and stand my ground, feeling completely justified that I am right and therefore my decisions are just.

But as it always happens, one doesn't truly learn lessons until one is ready to accept them, milk before meat. I was about to spend the rest of my life encumbered, and unaware that I wasn't maximizing all profits in my journey. When the thought first came I ignored it, later while finishing up Aspire yesterday afternoon, the thought came back to me at a moment of emotional vulnerability as I let myself be taught by the last principle of Kevin's book. A light turned on, and I realized that feeling right is relative. If one is taken by self deception, a concept that is very hard to accept but essential to personal development, one will always feel justified. I realized that I had been justifying not fully forgiving because I felt I was in the right. Then another etherial thought hit me: "You feel this way because someone wronged you, and they feel and act they do because they feel wronged by YOU!" Ouch. Talk about a slap in the face. It had been a few weeks since I had one of these. That's when I realized I had some weight on my shoulders I didn't know was there. The weight  was gone instantly as I was made aware that I had some culpability. All of a sudden a moment of empathy happened: I could understand why a person could offend another repeatedly. It's not just a way of defending themselves by attacking back, nor just the mere desire to seek revenge. We all have a desire to be loved and respected, and sometimes we may offend someone who has offended us in hopes that the first offender realizes and acknowledges their error. After all,  the first mistake was the catalyst for all the future offenses.

And if that is what a person wants in the bottom of their hearts and subconscious, who am I to deny that? Who am I to say "No, YOU don't deserve it!" I know the only person that could possibly say that would NEVER say that, so why should I?  That was an amazing experience to me. I can feel the encumberance disappearing, and it doesn't matter if the person doesn't reciprocate the feeling. It needs to start with me, reactions to my actions are not my problem, they concern only those who are reacting. I can only control my own actions, and have a talk with myself to make sure I did all I could to act in the correct way. I feel like I pressed the LIFT UP button. When experts talk about the change starting within you, they are right! I'm grateful for the experiences to learn and remove all encumbrances from my path.

Universe Conspiring...

I first read The Alchemist when I was 12 years old, and completely fell in love with the story. My mother's friend had read it, and in turn let her borrow it, then I snatched it and never let go. I don't have that original, but I have my own copy in English, that I've had for just about that long. I LOVE the story of Santiago finding his Personal Legend and I have constantly thought of it. Even at only 12 years of age, I understood when Paulo Coelho wrote that if you're in search of your Personal Legend, the universe conspires so that you can find it. I have loved and believed in that thought ever since I read that book. I'm so grateful for being in tune  with myself enough, even at that young age, to always turn back to that idea to pull strength from. So with that I will write for the record a bit of what has been happening lately. In the last couple of months, I have met a person who shall stay anonymous for now. That person needed a sign to be where they are, and I was in need of a good, caring person to help me fill a vacancy. As I searched for someone, this person was the first one volunteer. Many others also did, but this person from the get-go was strong in its desire to help. Eventually I met this new friend in person, and spent  3 hours sharing thoughts and experiences together on our first meeting. During this meeting, this new friend shared with me his generosity, knowledge and love for challenges and life. It was an amazing experience to meet someone that I felt was so much like me: enthusiastic, passionate, and driven to achieve whatever they set their mind to do.

In the course of those three hours, we talked a lot about what is going on in the world, and shared some the same thoughts on how to try and make a difference for someone or a group of people. As I was about to leave my new friend gave me a couple of books, one of them by someone they told me I had to meet. I thanked my new friend, and said: "You know, everything happens for a reason! Thanks again for the great conversation and for the motivation to continue to my path to my Personal Legend."

So I started reading Aspire, by Kevin Hall.  Imagine my surprise when in the first few pages of his book, Kevin wrote about his good friend Brazilian Author Paulo Coelho. Kevin quotes Paulo saying "I guess it is true that people always arrive at the right moment at the place where someone awaits them."  I have since then, talked on the phone with Kevin Hall via my new friend. I have also been able to rekindle a relationship with a professor who was my idol in college, and still is. I was able to meet with her after a decade and she is yet another one of these people put in my path to my Personal Legend. I feel  humbled and grateful for these people who are popping out of the wood works to help, inspire and motivate me when the going gets tough and when I need to tap into their knowledge bank.

Over the last few years, I have struggled so hard to find my Personal Legend. It has been a difficult journey, one with many obstacles and distractions. I believe I have finally found it, because doors have opened and distractions have gone away. It's funny, but just last night I watched Kung Fu Panda 2 with my family was reminded once again of the theme of inner peace.  I really don't think you can do anything without first  at least aspiring to achieve inner peace. You think of all the crazy things we and people we know do, say or pretend to do or say in order to fake having inner peace. I've had to build a bomb shelter around myself  in the last few years in order to achieve inner peace. I feel like I have broken through, but I haven't been tested yet, to really know if I could withstand experiences or interactions that could eventually block my path of inner peace. As Master Shifu said in the movie last night: "Dragon Warrior: You can do anything if you have inner peace!" So that's where I find myself. Now I'm trying to take down all bits of the walls that protected me while I got to that point. Now comes the first test, take down the walls a bit to see if my inner peace is truly real. If it is, I will be able to accomplish my Personal Legend. Now only time will tell...