31+1=32

Mike woke up me this morning and asked how old I was today, and I said, "I'm 32 honey, I'm growing up!" Then he said: "one day you will be mature, and old."  So apparently to my 40 year old lover, I'm not mature yet...

I think I was born 32.  I don't remember when I could actually count to 32, but I remember thinking that my mom was so old at 32. I was 11 back then...and thought I was so mature and responsible. Oh the funny things we think of ourselves....the best part is that they never go away, do they? We continue to think funny things of ourselves until when maturity hits at whatever age it finally arrives, IF it ever arrives at all. But really...going back to the 32 thing, I have always felt 32.

Throughout my life I remember dreaming about all the professions I wanted to be. Forever I wanted to be an architect, then a marine biologist, then a flight attendant (so I could travel for free), then a business woman, then I settled for interior designer. It was the best profession I ever had! I remember in high school and my first years in college, envisioning myself as the type of girl who shows up at gallery openings, and can talk to people about culture, and art, and architectural movements. I specifically remember I'd be wearing a turtleneck and maybe a pencil skirt or classic trousers. oh....those were such great days!  I remember feeling like I was  becoming that person as I worked at the Museum of Art at BYU as an event coordinator, and while I took all my humanities and design classes. I remember one early morning running up the steps of rape hill on the south side of campus, the sun was just peeking behind the Y mountain and starting to melt the frost on the trees by the Brimhall building, and I literally felt growth. It was mental and emotional growth, and I felt so strong and independent. It was my senior year in college and I was almost done.

I remember going through my growing pains, of being a 11 year old girl that was taller than everyone else, I remember when my womanhood arrived, 2 weeks before I was 12 and I thought to myself:  "Finally!! I'm officially a woman!" Such weird and funny memories. I also remember when one day it hit me that I had become the woman I had always envisioned myself being. It was so weird and good at the same time because I've always felt like everyone around me was telling me I wasn't good enough to be anything that I always dreamed of being. And here I was, I had a great life and had become Me.

Turning 30 wasn't as bad as most women make it out to be, probably because I've always been 32 at heart. The last 2 years of my life, no doubt, have been the best two years of my life. I've grown the most and I've even surpassed that woman I wanted to be. It's a humbling experience to see more growth, after the end goal. I know for sure that the growth has only come through all the trials, and tribulations and dissapointment I've had to deal with, and with a lot of help from Heaven Above!! I've learned more and more, and I've learned that you gotta own your good, and own your bad, and stand a little taller.

I look back and see the hip-gallery-going-chick, but I see much more than that. I see a fighter, who is slowly and finally learning to channel her tongue, fighting skills and energy towards the greater good. Towards motherhood, towards being a warrior mother. In last years I've learned that we need to always push past the finish line. That's the way we grow, and that's the way we start to make and leave a legacy for our posterity and for those in our sphere of influence. I think this is what 30's are meant to be, we're meant to stop struggling with our little demon on our shoulder making us fight with the angel on the other shoulder. We're meant to start looking outside and pushing the inside out, playing outside the box so to speak. We're meant to be women who fight not within ourselves, but we fight for others, for good, for freedom and life, and all the good that is being suppressed in the world.

I'm happy with myself because I finally feel comfortable with myself, my intellect, my heart, mind and even my body. I have accepted that this is my reality, and gladly take it with a lot of gratitude to God and to my loving husband for helping me accomplish these things and become Me.