Yesterday I became a Mother.

For almost two years, I've been yearning to go back to work. I've missed my job, the ego massages, the right to brag, the proving of something to someone out there. It has been almost like a midlife crisis, at 30.

I love real estate, and above all, I loved what it gave me while I was doing it: big ego boosting and pride. Those two things are obviously either good or bad depending on their context. I especially loved competing with men who like to compete with women.

I know I'm sick. And I have been sicker for the last two years because when you distance yourself from something you start to forget the bad and only remember the good. You romanticize, and fantasize and reality goes down the drain. It has been one of, if not the biggest struggles of my life. Career or family? Obviously my family started on God's own time, and He seems to keep making things happen in my life without consulting me. To put it in real estate terms, I have given him universal agency and so as my Agent He does what He sees fit for my welfare. Thank you my Perfect Agent!

Anyway, so yesterday I became a mother...for good. Forever. With no but's or if's or maybe's. I've been wanting so badly to feel like I mattered in a worldly sense again, I wanted to go back to being respected, admired for being successful, etc etc etc. This life of cleaning up after kids all the long, having dinner ready, making a house a home just hasn't been for me. Or so I thought until 8am yesterday.

I received a call earlier this week from Pulte Homes to come in to interview with them, to go back to work as a sales consultant in Santa Fe. Pulte owns Centex Homes and they are the only tract builders in Santa Fe. I knew I didn't want to commute to Albuquerque, and it just so happens that SF is where they needed me. Things just seemed perfect. I told me I didn't want to work on Sundays, despite knowing that in new construction real estate, that's like saying: "I don't want to sell homes." It was an awkward interview, at least for me. The VP of Sales was pretty much looking at me with a look that said: "why the hell are you even here then?"

A couple of hours after the interview the General Sales Manager called and said he was emailing me an official job application. I got home and emailed him back and thanked him for his time, but that I wouldn't be the right fit for them. Around 3pm he was calling me to talk about a position that was opening up in Santa Fe that would be perfect for me. No weekends at all, floating 3 communities, etc. I politely declined, it just didn't feel right.

I had been with the kids in the car since 6:50am, they stayed with Mike in the parking lot while I went in for the interview. We got some food later, went shopping for our trip, while dad headed to work in Gallup. We drove home, they came with me while I went visiting teaching, and we finally got home pooped from so much activity. I looked at those kids, and I just couldn't bear the thought of not being with them every single minute of the day. Everything I despise about being at home suddenly didn't matter. Everything that I've been wanting to get back to in the last two years, suddenly didn't matter. The only thing that mattered, where those sets of little hands and little feet that call me Mommy. What am I going to do with a six figure income, if I don't have the time to enjoy trips with my family? If can't have the freedom to go to the park on playdates, or to the pool, or to drive 3 days in the car to get to the beach and watch them learn about the ocean, get a tan and take naps in a hammock?

Yesterday, I became a real Mother. The mother I've always dreamed I would be. The one my parents, grandparents, and in-laws would be proud of. That I'm now proud of being, my true Title. It was a hard day yesterday, surreal because I got what I thought I wanted, and then I pushed it all aside to keep what I have right now. From now on, it's time to enjoy taking care of my family, and making great memories with them. I think I just changed from living in the future, where life is perfect, to living in the present where life is not so perfect. And you know what? I like that much better...

 Master Oogway is completely right:

"The past is history, the future is a mystery, and the now is a gift, that's why we call it present."

Bella's Mess.